Monday, May 24, 2004

Miss Congeniality

Which of the following do you imagine I might have done?

A) Participated in a hot legs contest in a nightclub in San Francisco where the celebrity (and only) judges were the two guys from Wang Chung on a day when I had called in sick to work because I was too hungover from the night before only to be spotted as the "tease" for the 11:00 news by my employer? (And if I did participate, it wouldn't have been my idea...and said employer instead of asking why the hell I hadn't reported for work would stroll in the following morning and greet me with, "Details!")

B) Appeared via satellite on the "CBS Morning Show" (or whatever it was called in those days) during the '92 election where I made a smart-ass remark about Dan Quayle's (lack of) intelligence which elicited a healthy laugh from the studio audience causing Bill Clinton to miss my jab entirely so that he had to lean over to Al Gore and ask, "What'd she say?"

C) Sat in a Winnebago parked on a residential street in Studio City, California while a B-list TV actress whose infomercial I was producing made her way across the street to the backyard of a woman who was shooting a testimonial for the show only to have said woman ask excitedly (without turning around) when the actress snuck up behind her and placed her hands on her shoulders, "Is it Marilyn?!" causing the actress to make my life a living hell from that moment on?

If you guessed "all of the above" you've just qualified for the bonus round. Come to think of it, I'm still waiting for the bonus round. When the hell is that, anyway?

Being nice is boring. I mean, yeah, it has its points: I'm a loving mate and great Auntie and loyal friend and dutiful daughter. But, man, my life has gotten crushingly dull. But then, it's hard to have too much fun when all of your friends live thousands of miles away.

One thing's for sure: when we hit mainland, I definitely need to get out more.


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