Monday, February 09, 2004

Itsy Bitsy Spider...NOT!

It occurred to me as I was dressing for work this morning that since both attorneys are out of town, I could wear jeans. I had left my Levi's draped over the end of the ironing board. I put them on, finished dressing, grabbed my bag and walked out to the living room fairly prepared to leave. All of a sudden I felt a tickle on the back of my left knee. We have teensy ants that sometimes appear on your arm or whatever. This wasn't that kind of tickle--this was a pretty significant tickle. I started to panic and began ripping off the jeans, but in my haste (and being denim) they weren't coming off as easily as I hoped. One leg got caught on my foot. Finally I got them off, shook them and the biggest spider IN THE WORLD came flying out. I'm not kidding. This thing made tarantulas (many of which live at the golf course) look like wimps.

It was dark brown and its legs were about 1-1/2" long and it had a thick body. Altogether it had to be almost 4" in diameter. I WISH I was exaggerating. Needless to say, I screamed and then began running around, practically hyperventilating, saying "Oh my god! Oh my god!" That thing was CRAWLING ON ME!!!

When it flew out, it started scampering towards me. I ran to the kitchen to grab the fly swatter out of the broom closet. But when I ran back into the living room, the fly swatter suddenly looked really puny. I needed a sledgehammer or something. He quickly made his way into a little stack of papers I'd set on the floor near the TV. I couldn't bear the thought of trying to do battle with him--I was still to freaked out by him TOUCHING ME.

Then it suddenly occurred to me that it might have bitten me. What if it was poisonous?!?! I don't wanna die like this!! Try looking at the back of your knee--not easy! I ran to the bathroom to get a small hand mirror. I didn't see any marks and I hadn't felt a bite. To think I'd had the jeans on for a good 5 minutes before I felt the tickle...and all the while that mother was IN MY PANTS!!! I started to put them back on and then thought, "Are you crazy?! That thing could have laid eggs in there or something!" So I tossed the jeans in the hamper and grabbed another pair of pants. I left the fly swatter in the middle of the living room floor, pointing it like an arrow toward the last known sighting of the spider and left for work. When I got to the office, I left a frantic message for the boyfriend to please try to find him and kill him (since he comes home on his morning break and at lunch). But I knew he wouldn't. Everyone I told the story to said, "But he's still in your house!" Yeah, I know. Don't remind me.

After work, I came home, changed clothes and went straight to the beach for a walk. When I returned I sat down to watch a little TV while boyfriend was finishing his golf round. I looked very carefully before I sat anywhere, but I had a sneaking suspicion he was still buried in the stack of papers. I picked up the boyfriend at the clubhouse, we went out to dinner, and when we got home I asked if he would PLEASE see if he could find and kill it. But I warned him not to get too close, because he was BIG. He poked at the stack of papers with the fly swatter and then muttered something. I said, "Do you see him?" He said, "Oh yeah." And then the spider ran away from the papers a bit and he smacked him. I said, "Hit him again! And again!" He said, "He's already dead." He picked him up with the fly swatter and carried him out to the balcony and dumped him over the side.

I know it's a wonderful thing to love nature and all of its creatures, but I think exception has to be made...when they crawl down your pants.


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