secrets

Thank you for your kind comments re my beach photo below. My journey in the last couple of years has been about finding my way back...to myself. I know this is going to sound strange--and maybe being a native of the West I just crave vast amounts of space--but I swear living on this tiny little rock has made me feel smaller, in every way. Of course a large part of that feeling is due to the hideous day job. I can't even say that it sucks the soul out of me, because I leave my soul at home when I go there. Hey, that's what it is--it's zombie job! :) But talking about making one's self small...I practically disappear when I go there.

I'm going to share a secret with all of you. This is something that almost no one knows about me. Here goes. Some think my 'problem' is that I have low self-esteem or lack self-confidence. But here's the truth: I've always known what I'm capable of--I just thought no one else thought I was capable of any of it. And that confused the hell out of me, because I have a lot going for me. So I'd think: Can't they see who I am? Or: Who the hell do they see when they look at me? Because whoever it is, it isn't me. I could never understand how people around me could look at me and think: she should set the bar really low. Until one day (insert wavy image and spooky music) I realized that it wasn't even ABOUT me--it was about them projecting their fears onto me...and me absorbing them. I was like a walking drive-in movie. I'll just stand here and reflect back what you think you want to me to be.

We've all known people who have extremely high opinions of themselves which appear to be, in our estimation, unfounded. Ha! I'd often wonder why others would look at those people and think they were "all that"...and then look at me and think: You should just settle for something really small. I could never figure out what it was about my personality that made others want to 'cut me down to size.' Because I'm the last person to go around flaunting her shit in other people's faces. If anything, I'm all about diminishing myself so others can shine. And still, that didn't seem to satisfy 'em.

So from a very young age, I kept all of my dreams secret and instead tried to do what others envisioned should be my path in life. (Can you say people-pleaser, boys and girls?) And as (the dreaded) Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?" :)

I knew what I was doing--and that it was the absolutely wrong path for me--but damn, it's hard to forge a new road when one is running up against some serious resistance from those around you. (It's the old adage: "With friends like these...") And what is it that makes so-called 'friends' want to keep you down? Or even odder, want to have what you desire...but not want you to have it? I have an old pal who likens it to crabs in a barrel--that if a crab starts to scramble for the top of the barrel to climb out, the others will grab onto him and pull him back in. (He's a performer and says he's often felt that sensation interacting with his peers.)

So I'm trying to destroy (because this calls for force!) the old patterns and the most effective way for me to do that is to go back and recall what it was I once dreamed of doing. Because my experience (in my life and in others' lives) has shown me that dreams often stay with us for decades or a lifetime. They may morph over time, but the kernel of the dream is often with us from a young age.

I have to say it's an odd sensation to be traveling backward in order to move forward. But I don't know how else to do it--this journey of mine to get back to my 'real' self. And what joy I've gotten from the time travel. And maybe this process I've undertaken is simply a function of aging for some of us. Maybe we simply reach a point where we become so intolerant of the bullshit that we don't want to waste any more time on it. It's time to get real.

Some days I'm feelin' it, some days I'm not. Some days I feel like I've slipped and fallen and I'm mired in the muck. But some days I revel in remembering. I remember and in doing so I'm able to re-member myself. Because it really is a process of re-engineering. And not just rewiring myself mentally and emotionally, but physically, too. I re-member my limbs, sometimes through the most basic methods...wiggling my toes in the sand, walking in the surf, feeling my weightlessness in the bay. Sometimes I take the physical route to get to where I need to be mentally and emotionally, because the body seems to hold lots of secret info if we'll just pay attention to it.

So my wish for you is this: For even a few moments today, remember who you really are...and revel in it. And know this: You inspire me with your words and photos and wits and slices of your lives that you share with me on- and off-line. And for that, I'm truly grateful.

(For 'the real me'--childhood version--see below.)