Tuesday, March 08, 2005

setting sail


It's about time for our ship to set sail (so to speak). We leave in 557 hours. (Okay, okay, 23 days and 5 hours...but who's counting?) I'm feeling such a myriad of emotions right now. Anger at myself for not honoring my promise to myself to take the last month we're here for myself (instead agreeing to allow a visitor to spend the first 8 days after completing my job camped out at our place)...nostalgia for the physical beauty and weather here (even though we haven't left yet)...sadness over our impending loss of privacy (since it's been just the two of us here and we'll soon be in a houseful of family...but it's only for the very short-term and I'm looking forward to spending time with them...still, it's an adustment because we're a couple of hermits here)...anxiety over wondering what it will feel like to go back to an area where I've lived before (and didn't imagine living again...and maybe we won't be living there because we still don't even know where we want to live, even which state)....relief that the six days I agreed to help out at the storage facility won't be so bad after all (I was there for nine hours yesterday and the time passed quickly...there's even a TV to watch!...plus I've already been prepaid and it covers our airfare to California)...irritation that people want to get together with me before we leave (I don't want to have these lunch dates I've scheduled...they break up the entire day!...I know they're wanting to have lunch with me thinking it's something nice to do for me...I view it as just one more interruption)...stress over thinking about everything we need to do in the next 557 hours (and not feeling like doing any of it...wishing I could instead spend my remaining time here plopped down on the beach with my nose buried in a bunch of introspective books)... You get the picture.

Most of all, I want TIME. Time to think about who I am and who I've become at this juncture in my life. Time to think about the possibilities that this newfound freedom gives me. Because I was playing hostess for all of those days (and working yesterday), today is my first chance to let it really sink in that I'm done with that job. Four years is the longest I've ever worked anywhere, in any capacity. I'm looking forward to getting back to my more unconventional lifestyle. It's funny--one would think the tropics would be the place for that...instead I'm returning home so I can get back to being a gypsy. (Hard to be a gypsy when you live on a 13- by 3-mile island...where the hell are you gonna go?!)

So that's where I am today: hand on the rudder...ready to head off in a new direction...
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3 Comments:

Anonymous lizardek said...

I don't know...sometimes I think no matter how prepared you are, you're never REALLY ready to move, and there will always be pros and cons about both the place you go to and the place you've left behind. Although, MAN, that photos is making me long for the caribbean. sigh

2:56 PM  
Blogger Dawn Falcone said...

Marilyn,
It always feels as though there's not enough time - doesn't it? Take some time to do the things that you really want to do. Maybe you can combine some of those lunch dates or have one big send-off party.

I read your comment to "The Book" today. There's something so great about seeing an old family recipe in your grandmother's handwriting. A few years ago I wouldn't even have noticed it, but the older I get, the more I realize how priceless stuff like that really is.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

amen to your hand on the rudder . . . here's to you doing exactly what you feel is true for you! :)

10:31 AM  

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