Sunday, January 02, 2005

Life 102

Hopefully at this age I’ve already passed Life 101. Let’s hope, anyway. Now that I’ve laid out some things that I want to focus on this year, I thought it was time to look back. Some of these things I finally *got* in 2004; some I was reminded of (for the zillionth time).

That as much as it pisses me off, humiliation is often a precursor for a blissful moment of humility.

That nothing is more important to me than my family (my mate coming first).

That in a work setting, it really is a lot more efficient, emotionally, to do the most dreaded task first.

That it’s okay to let go of friendships, without feeling like it represents failure of some sort. People change. And drift apart. And sometimes there are reasons…and sometimes there doesn’t even have to be. And surprisingly, sometimes letting go is a lot easier than one dreads it might be.

That I can roll with the punches. When it looked as if H. might suddenly be living with us and attending school here this year, I never blinked--I simply switched gears and went into overdrive to try to make it happen. I’m much more adaptable than I give myself credit for most of the time.

That sometimes when you’ve just about given up hope that what you most want will ever come to pass, the universe (or God or fate or whatever it is at work out there) comes through…and it’s SO worth the wait.

That I swear like a longshoreman…and probably always fucking will.

That I still look better than most 49-year-old women in a bikini, despite my non-exercised flesh.

That I really hate looking in mirrors to see how different I look than I did even 10 years ago.

That it’s hard as hell to let go of some resentments, but I’m getting better at it.

That I’m not nearly as uptight as I used to be. Living in the tropics has given me a sense of ease that I’m sure I didn’t have before. (Don't underestimate the power of weather on mood.)

That I’ve reached an age where it really, really, REALLY matters to me how I spend my time.

That ethics in the workplace are more important to me than I thought they were.

That I’m blown away by how much I love my man and by how that love has grown and deepened over the years. I spent the first 40 years of my life equating “commitment’ with the sound of a cell door slamming. Now I can’t imagine ever leaving his side.

That even though I don’t understand the dynamic and why it seems to work this way, most of my ‘real’ friends this past year have been women I’ve met through blogging.

That, as William Hurt said in the “The Big Chill,” I’m still “not into this completion thing.”

That I crave land more than water. I miss getting in the car and just…going.

That ellipses are my favorite form of…punctuation.

That walking on the beach works my heart muscle…and I don’t just mean aerobically.

That I miss being funny. I miss having any sort of life so I can relate madcap adventures to my pals. The shit that happens here isn’t funny, just annoying.

That I’ve learned to think about moments of miscommunication with my mate, and go back and talk about why it might have occurred in the first place…instead of playing the blame game.

That I miss dancing.

That I really hate dressing up. (Can someone find me job where I can wear 501’s and flip-flops every day?)

That I have almost no vanity for a woman my age.

That my boyfriend is unbelievably gracious. I could learn a few things from him in that regard.

That I wasn’t taught to be compassionate when I was young. I’m still learning, but I’m getting better.

That I’m not so sure I’d like it if the boyfriend went back to touring. And I think he’d miss being away from home just as much as I’d miss him. (We’ve only been apart 7 nights in the last 4-½ years.)

That we eat way too much ice cream.

That I’m still shocked when sometimes I stretch and suddenly realize that it’s been days since I moved in any but a frenzied, busy-ness sort of way.

That I really don’t care about watching sports on TV anymore.

That simple things can really make my day (a good cup of coffee in the morning, a good lunch, a walk, a good book read in bed…)

That I wouldn’t trade any of my past experiences for anyone else’s, because they all formed this motley version of me.

That words like “future” and “plans” and “goals” don’t scare me nearly as much as they used to.

That my 7-year-old niece tickles me no end. And I’m constantly blown away by what a great rapport we have since most of our relationship has occurred over the phone.

That I’m ready to settle down…on the inside.


Blogger Leslie said...

What a great list, M! :)

I agree w/ you on the friendship bit. I have some relationships that I feel guilty about b/c we've drifted. But as you's all part o' life!

And, um, ellipses are my favorite too.....

Leslie, rubber-sol

2:34 AM  
Blogger lizardek said...

What a fantastic list that was. Thank you for sharing it!! :)

4:08 PM  

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