Saturday, November 20, 2004

Bad Spouse

We slept in this morning, and at one point I snuggled up to the boyfriend and apologized for being such a "bad" spouse. I rarely go to his gigs here. I reminded him this morning that it's just so different for me here. In the States I would often hear him play music that I really liked and enjoyed, and I also might see friends and/or acquaintances at gigs. Here he's most often playing music that leaves me uninspired--through no fault of his--but do I want to sit through it? Not necessarily. If it's a jazz gig, it's pleasant enough, but I miss hearing him really play--to hear him really swing hard and loud. It's all just too damn polite here. So going to a gig here means an evening spent sitting alone like some kind of loser with a fake smile pasted on my face.

But this morning I started feeling guilty. He never pushes. Occasionally he'll ask, "Are you going tonight?" Typically my only response is the look. And he knows that look means, "I'd sooner poke my eyes out with branding irons." And he laughs. But then there are the times, like today, when I tell him I'll go. But as the day wears on, I start to feel less and less enthusiastic about the idea. So I'll sidle up to him and suddenly get very affectionate, and he'll laugh (hard) and say, "That's cold-blooded. I knew you weren't going to go!" That's what I did today.

He's playing a jazz show on St. John tonight. The article in the paper listed dress for the event as "island fancy." If you figure out what that is, let me know. I only know that nothing in my wardrobe qualifies. So aside from having nothing to wear (or more appropriately, feeling like I'd be infinitely more comfortable in jeans, especially since it's on a beach where the mosquitoes will be out in force), I'd also be sitting by myself, since everyone I know there would be on stage. He's only playing a 1-hour set, so it's not like I've abandoned him for the entire evening--except that the promoter called earlier and asked if he could be on the 4:00 ferry and the show doesn't start until 8:00. So now I'm really glad I decided not to go!

As he was preparing to leave, he asked me to grab the cash in the pocket of the pants he'd had on earlier. Then he added, "I always keep it in the left pocket." I said, "I know that! I know that you always carry your cash in your left pocket because you're left-handed. Duh!" He kind of laughed and said, "But did you know that every morning when you fill my to-go mug of coffee that you snap the lid on as if a right-handed person was going to drink it?" Oh, shit. He's right, I do. So today I'm feeling very much like a "bad" spouse. (Although I do make him coffee every morning, but it's not like I'm not also making it for myself.)

I'll just have to be an extra-good spouse when he gets home tonight. :)


Blogger Katherine said...

ahhhhhhhh . . . the delights of reading about "married" life :) that was really so sweet . . . and how these little things we do that we don't notice that make another person go hmmmmmmmm. Consciousness . . . the fruits of relationship :)

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's with all the guilt? This is what spouses do--- only in the early phases of a relationship do we put our own needs aside and slap on frozensmiles and suffer hours of mosquito bites. At this stage, the relationship is well beyond those measures. But, I hear you. And I know you will make it up to him --- and hope things are going well for you right now!! ~bluepoppy

11:02 AM  

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